My Dad Finally Found His Son
This is gonna be a little post I'm not going to share anywhere else because it's fairly personal, but it's so funny that I haven't stopped thinking about it for the last two weeks and I need to write it down somewhere. It's gonna sound kinda sad to some people but I promise it's a good thing and the ideal outcome for everybody involved: My dad's finally found his replacement son for me.
When I was 14, my dad was driving me to the print shop he worked at for Take Your Kid To Work Day, and completely out of the blue he apologized for skipping out on my childhood. I was surprised because apologizing is not like him and it's not like he was any more interested in who I was as a 14 year old than he had been previously, but he said he was too impatient for me to grow up and be able to talk to him about the things he was interested in, that he forgot to engage with me as a kid who was learning about the world. This didn't mark the start of any kind of change in his behaviour going forwards or anything, but it did make me realize that he was at least somewhat clued into the reality of our dynamic.
After I came out as trans, my parents openly mourned the son they tried to project onto me but it was especially rough for my dad. At long last, I was old enough to understand the physical world to have interesting conversations about it and engage in his hobbies in a similar way that he does, but suddenly I was no longer a boy. Also I still wasn't that interested in his hobbies anyways but now the gender role keeping the dream alive was fully crushed.
Anyways fast forward to last summer, when I'm visiting my parents out in rural Ontario and I finally meet his younger coworker. He's this really sweet guy a few years older than me who's into all the things my dad's into and he's living the life my dad wanted for me soooo badly. He's really nice, really funny, into photography, cycling, design, physics, and astronomy, he's got a car, and a well paying job at the place my dad works. Him and my dad kind of formed this really natural father-son dynamic, as his dad passed away several years earlier and my dad's son turned into a girl and moved to the French Province. His mom is also a real sweetheart, and the two of them became really good friends with my parents and often would have dinner together.
A couple weeks ago I went back to my hometown with my partner to visit my parents and show my partner the place I grew up. My dad's coworker was also staying there recovering from this wicked awful cycling accident that broke a lot of his bones. This two day visit I realized the full extent to which my dad had replaced me with his coworker and it was genuinely SO great. They were engaging with each other's hobbies, watching hockey together, were on the same team for board games, and driving together for work every morning. He's even imitating my the catchphrase my dad's been saying since I was a kid which is "what the!?" (which he's almost got down pat, but rushes the drawl at the end). My partner got his Instagram and he posts these cute stories of him and my dad doing photography together, going out for ice cream together, showing my dad ride around on his custom built recumbent bike. Extremely cute stuff!!
Now on my end it might sound a bit resentful to use a word like "replaced", but I promise you I am so happy about it. I can tell that the two of them have emotionally been looking for a father-son dynamic for years, and they've finally found it in each other! I'm over here both reveling in being the disappointment child but also tired of feeling like my dad won't engage with me as my own person because he's torn up that I took away the son he wanted. My dad treats me so much nicer now that he's got this role filled, and is actually starting to be curious about the things I'm interested in and am working on!
Before the holidays last year, my therapist and I talked about my relationship with my dad, what I wanted it to look like, and how I was going to work towards making that happen when I visited. But then I visited and my dad just suddenly started treating me like a regular adult without me doing any intentional work? I don't want a father-son or father-daughter relationship, I just wanted to be treated like a regular separate person, and I got that.
Today's father's day, and I think(?) my dad and his coworker son are actually here in Montreal doing father-son things together, but I haven't heard a peep about it and I'll be perfectly happy not to! I'm kickin it with my cat in my gay little apartment enjoying the sunshine and doing some chores while my body recovers from some stress injuries. I don't wanna go outside and pretend to be a model nuclear family child and do activities out of obligation to fill that role, I just wanna wash some dishes and dye my hair green.
Happy father's day to my dad and his newfound son! Yesterday I saw an Instagram story of my dad sitting by the shore of a river taking photos of the wind farm on the other side, so they're at least having fun :)
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